"You will get tired, but not the road..."

Read this part S L O W.... "Problems will from time to time occur; this should not be surprising. When they do you will need to remind yourself you’re in for the long term, plodding forward, moving inexorably ahead. You can lie down in the path and throw a tantrum if you like, but when you are finished you will need to get up and start moving again. As my mentor was fond of saying “If you are walking down the road it is good to remember that the road is not going to get tired. You will get tired, but not the road.” The road is there, has always been there, will always be there. You will have to walk it, slow or fast, now or later. So  p l e a s e   p a c e  yourself, determine how fast you can move in order to sustain that movement for however long you will need to sustain it. "
- Robert Svoboda 

(Maybe read that above all over again)

Smack - right into my being these words arrive at me on day 3 of a yoga intensive in Tucson. These events for me are SO beyond physical - I was sore, but mostly from sitting in good company and conversing about consciousness and "The Work" of being a human. I felt like I had pretty good experience thus far and certainly the last two weeks shed light on every nook and cranny of my mind. These trainings come less often for me these days as the real teachers and teachings stare at me right in the face every day of my life in the form of my family. Yet, to be back in the room at Yoga Oasis and in Tucson were I have spent hours and hours over the last 18 years feels like balm to my heart.  It wasn’t three days of glory and as balmy as a yoga intensive may sound. Any amount of work and any road traveled has bumps, sharp turns, and so on.

Earlier in the week, I had pretty much resolved in my heart that I would need to cancel this trip. We were told with 90% certainty that Jack had PTLD (post transplant lymphproliferative disorder) which  is on the spectrum of lymphoma. We were booked with oncology last Thurs @ 8am to discuss his chemo plan. My flight to Tuscon was at 8:45am for this same day.  I was just getting over my tantrum and beginning to get with the program. Cancer. We are not the first to walk this road. It will be a long road but if anyone gets to hold that boys hand down this road, let it be me.  Let it be us. 

Things were normalizing. A new norm of course. Jack went back to school. Harry and I went back to work with the oncology appointment looming in the morning. To everyone’s surprise, oncology calls and says that preliminary results show this is NOT PTLD. Oncology passed it back to the renal team for more study while we waited for final results over the next few days. Our appointment to discuss a chemo treatment plan that is in just 15 hours has been canceled. Every emotion passed through me and yet part of me went numb.  The road was bright, unclear still, and I was tired.  

Jack came home from school that day and we told him the great news. I began packing for Tucson. I've never packed so light. I had carried so much for two weeks straight, I wanted to be free. (Note to self for future packing endeavors that this worked quite well).  My mom and step-dad jumped into the car with their super hero capes on and a second round of Thanksgiving packed in their bags and took care of my family for a few days while I took a deep dive into my perfectly, imperfect timed yoga intensive.

Dr. Verghese (Jack's kidney doc) called yesterday to check in after final pathology reports confirmed two benign tumors.  We are rescheduled with Oncology for this Thursday to discuss and make a plan to either treat or monitor these tumors. They would remove them but this is not ideal on a transplanted kidney.  My impression is that is the BEST possible outcome and one we did not see coming. 

The road ahead is there, has always been there, and will always be there. I slept 12 hours last night. 

Thank you for your presence and support here. We will share more as we learn but for now I'm going to return to more normal things like dig out our Elf on The Shelf, Ted, and get back to convincing my kids that his magic is real.

[And yes, Ted is wearing a Tito's vodka sweater. This was the only souvenir I landed in Tucson. My consciousness is knocking.... I must get back to work].

Biopsy on Tues

All business here ... 9am needle biopsy Tuesday morning.  Thanks for staying close and for the huge rally of support. 

Love,

Team Certain

 

Still I Rise

Yesterday was hard. Our little bubble of "normalcy" popped. I knew it would at some point, it has to.  This is nature -  everything that comes together fall apart. Stability and change are always present.   If you add a tiny grain of sand to another, the sand piles up (each day, a gift) - it eventually reaches a point of criticality but then that pile of sand falls back to the ground. It' been over three years since my last blog post...someone do the math here, but at least 1200 days. If you're just jumping in here, it's been over 4 years since Jack's second kidney transplant.

My mind is crazy busy. I have secrets (everyone thinks we're healthy), I have fear and panic knocking down my door.  I see my husband calm as a cucumber. I look into my sons brave eyes and see his innocence and his strength.  We are at the Masonic Children's Hospital. We are each falling into our familiar roles. While Jack is focused on getting last night's Indiana Hoosiers basketball game on dad's phone, I am trying to check boxes, anything to move us forward to answers. I am doing stupid things- like canceling our ortho appointment for next week and casually letting yoga students that my class will be subbed tonight.  I am snapped right into the moment of what could be our new norm.

Deep breath. I've got this... I remind myself.

Dr. Verghese, Jack's primary kidney doctor, intercepted me yesterday as I was walking into the hospital to help prep him for sedation for a kidney biopsy. No, the kidney biopsy is not a routine thing. Biopsy's are invasive and are only performed when there is a red flag. Labs have been off lately  and we were considering growth hormones which brought us to this moment. Dr. V pulls me into a private room and tells me to sit down.  I am immediately  n o t  i n  m y  b o d y.  I am witnessing someone else's story here...

"The ultrasound that we did in preparation for the biopsy revealed a mass. We were not expecting this at all. We need to aggressively rule out cancer.  It could be anything. It could be fatty tissue, it could have been there from the beginning and we missed it, it could be benign, it could be malignant. The only way to know is to biopsy. There is minimal blood flow in the mass which is in his favor. The patchy shape of the mass is not typical and therefore in his favor. But, he does have Epstein Bar Virus, which is a marker for cancer with transplant kids".  I remember hearing about the elusive EBV virus during his first transplant 10 years ago. I put that little secret in a box waaaay back in my head.

Oncology arrives shortly later. This is not happening. Oncology is here?  She is lovely and I want to not like her because I need to put my anger somewhere. But she comforts me in an odd way and even makes me laugh as she sees my hands typing in "Post Transplant Lymphoproliferative Disorder" (PTLD) into the Google machine as I attempt to maintain eye contact.  "Be careful which websites you go down, Mom."

MRI follows at 4:00. The MRI confirms another mass. This is real and I'm slowing sinking in and letting the food show up at the door, trying to remember the password to this blog, and keep it cool for Jack.

Dr V. greets us and tells us that she thinks this is PTLD and the only way to confirm is via biopsy.  She wants to know with absolute certainty what we are dealing with. She wants to do an open biopsy versus the "simple" needle in the abdomen, stick a band-aid on the wound option. The transplant surgeon does not not want to do an open biopsy for obvious reason and reasons I probably can't handle knowing at this point. So while she, our transplant surgeon, and oncology debate this overnight we go home. I make soup -- because what else do you do when soup has already been delivered?? I let myself bury my emotion in this pot of soup and listen to Sam and Lucy (Jack's sibs) carry on like any other day.

Now, we wait for the call to see who wins the biopsy plan debate. Jack goes to school,  Harry and I go back to work.  This biopsy will most likely happen this week but of course it's complicated because of the holiday. She wants it as soon as possible - she would do it today if there was room in the operating room and agreement amongst the team.  She tells me an angel brought Jack her for this ultrasound.  Part of me thinks "duh" and part of me thinks "bleepity bleep bleep bleep".  Doubt trains faith, according to my previous blog post, Jan 2013.

I don't carry secrets well so hence this post. I need to keep it real and clear this out.  I also need to keep this out of my yoga studio as much as possible because you show up for you, not for me.  Most importantly, I also need to protect my children and keep it "normal" for Jack, Sam (yes, Jack has a twin bro), and Lucy as long as I can.  So please help us with that. And if you run into Harry, I'm sure he will tell you Jack is just fine. He exudes more confidence than maybe necessary around Jack's health. I am grateful for that.

Please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, sun salutations - however it is you "connect".

Not sure if this is an approved website from Oncology, but this is a decent link at first glass that explains PTLD which we suspect we are dealing with:  https://www.kidney.org/atoz/content/post-transplant-lymphoproliferative-disorder-ptld

Unedited, raw, slightly over caffeinated, phone ringer on high, waiting for Dr V. to call, full of fear and  hope, stabilizing and changing. Still I rise.

Love,
Ali