"You will get tired, but not the road..."

Read this part S L O W.... "Problems will from time to time occur; this should not be surprising. When they do you will need to remind yourself you’re in for the long term, plodding forward, moving inexorably ahead. You can lie down in the path and throw a tantrum if you like, but when you are finished you will need to get up and start moving again. As my mentor was fond of saying “If you are walking down the road it is good to remember that the road is not going to get tired. You will get tired, but not the road.” The road is there, has always been there, will always be there. You will have to walk it, slow or fast, now or later. So  p l e a s e   p a c e  yourself, determine how fast you can move in order to sustain that movement for however long you will need to sustain it. "
- Robert Svoboda 

(Maybe read that above all over again)

Smack - right into my being these words arrive at me on day 3 of a yoga intensive in Tucson. These events for me are SO beyond physical - I was sore, but mostly from sitting in good company and conversing about consciousness and "The Work" of being a human. I felt like I had pretty good experience thus far and certainly the last two weeks shed light on every nook and cranny of my mind. These trainings come less often for me these days as the real teachers and teachings stare at me right in the face every day of my life in the form of my family. Yet, to be back in the room at Yoga Oasis and in Tucson were I have spent hours and hours over the last 18 years feels like balm to my heart.  It wasn’t three days of glory and as balmy as a yoga intensive may sound. Any amount of work and any road traveled has bumps, sharp turns, and so on.

Earlier in the week, I had pretty much resolved in my heart that I would need to cancel this trip. We were told with 90% certainty that Jack had PTLD (post transplant lymphproliferative disorder) which  is on the spectrum of lymphoma. We were booked with oncology last Thurs @ 8am to discuss his chemo plan. My flight to Tuscon was at 8:45am for this same day.  I was just getting over my tantrum and beginning to get with the program. Cancer. We are not the first to walk this road. It will be a long road but if anyone gets to hold that boys hand down this road, let it be me.  Let it be us. 

Things were normalizing. A new norm of course. Jack went back to school. Harry and I went back to work with the oncology appointment looming in the morning. To everyone’s surprise, oncology calls and says that preliminary results show this is NOT PTLD. Oncology passed it back to the renal team for more study while we waited for final results over the next few days. Our appointment to discuss a chemo treatment plan that is in just 15 hours has been canceled. Every emotion passed through me and yet part of me went numb.  The road was bright, unclear still, and I was tired.  

Jack came home from school that day and we told him the great news. I began packing for Tucson. I've never packed so light. I had carried so much for two weeks straight, I wanted to be free. (Note to self for future packing endeavors that this worked quite well).  My mom and step-dad jumped into the car with their super hero capes on and a second round of Thanksgiving packed in their bags and took care of my family for a few days while I took a deep dive into my perfectly, imperfect timed yoga intensive.

Dr. Verghese (Jack's kidney doc) called yesterday to check in after final pathology reports confirmed two benign tumors.  We are rescheduled with Oncology for this Thursday to discuss and make a plan to either treat or monitor these tumors. They would remove them but this is not ideal on a transplanted kidney.  My impression is that is the BEST possible outcome and one we did not see coming. 

The road ahead is there, has always been there, and will always be there. I slept 12 hours last night. 

Thank you for your presence and support here. We will share more as we learn but for now I'm going to return to more normal things like dig out our Elf on The Shelf, Ted, and get back to convincing my kids that his magic is real.

[And yes, Ted is wearing a Tito's vodka sweater. This was the only souvenir I landed in Tucson. My consciousness is knocking.... I must get back to work].