I admit…. I lost
faith. I have always considered myself to be unshakeable in this virtue. I have always trusted in the flow of
life, the subtle ways that grace reminds me that I am deeply supported no
matter how uncertain or difficult life presents itself.
Hearing that Harry
could no longer donate (after thinking that was a slam dunk all these years),
hearing that we needed to begin dialysis after the docs were diligently trying
to avoid this scenario, and watching my son lose ground everyday – I was
slowing melting inside. I was filled with doubt. I was now beginning to explore
every possible scenario, every dark corner in my mind (including the worst
case) and it was exhausting me.
In effort to get
my feet plugged back into the ground, I followed through with my plans to go to
Tucson for a yoga workshop between Xmas and NYE. I have attended this 3-day intensive for many years. It’s my time to be a student, to get
clarity on the year ahead, and to be in really great company. Harry assured me
that he would be fine and instilled enough confidence in me to pack my
bag.
By the time I had
landed in Tucson, Harry was driving Jack to the ER. I was crushed. Doubt,
guilt, sadness consumed me. I
should have stayed home. After a
chest x-ray and a meeting with his doc, Jack and Dad were advised to go back
home and get better in preparation for surgery in a few days. Relieved. Somewhat.
By the time I
landed on my mat, (day 2 of the workshop) I heard the words “doubt trains
faith” fly out of the teachers mouth. I settled. It was one of those subtle
smacks of grace where you feel like the teacher (Life) is talking directly to
you.
The radical
affirmation of my doubt inspired me to step up, be strong again, and come back
home with a fresh set of eyes. “Re-entry” is
never easy after a yoga retreat. The
real practice is always coming back home. Coming back home to surgery,
dialysis, and our new life was wildly intimidating but I felt ready. Scared and
anxious, but also ready.
Fast forward three
weeks to today, Jan 19….
Jack is back in
school, adjusting to his new dialysis routine, and healthier than he has been
in months. Dialysis pulls so much
fluid (approx 3lbs!) and waste out of his body that his kidney couldn’t do on
it’s own. He still has waves of
discomfort and radical fatigue but this is SO much better than what we were
dealing with before dialysis. On his “off” days from dialysis, you can see the
fluid return to his body and the fragile place that he lives in.
We do not yet
have a match but gain confidence daily that we will find a kidney. Harry was
also recently approved to participate in the Paired Exchange program (details on Jack’s FB
page) which gives Jack national exposure. We do not know how the story will unfold yet but, I am enjoying
this current chapter that seems a lot less chaotic than the previous one. There are waves of ‘normalcy’ (outside
of 15 hours in the hospital every week) that wouldn’t exist without the
enormous tapestry of people supporting us.
There is no way I
could possible thank everyone properly for getting us through this first phase
but here it goes:
Mom – for taking
such good care of us the 8 days that followed surgery. (I will cry if I say
anything more here)
Jennfier Manion +
Carla Januska – for the creation and continued management of Jack’s FB page.
You have answered every inquiry with such love.
Erin + Jeff –
(Harry’s bro + wife) our local family who slept in that uncomfortable recliner overnight at the hospital
and continue to take our little man to dialysis when they can.
Sarah Cooper
& Margie Paller – for the creation of the meal registry. This has been such
an enormous help for us. Sweets and other goodies are beginning to stalk me.
Yoga community –
for your steady presence, cooking, and love. And to my sub teachers (Andrea
& Shannon) who kept us all moving.
Carondelet
community – for meals, driving, hugs, prayers, and more hugs.
Heather Corndorf–
your fierce strength and insanely soft heart. Thank you for dedicating a week
of classes at the SLP Lifetime Fitness to Jack.
To Brian
Ehlers + the MAC group – – for
spreading Jack’s story as if it was your own.
To the other
grandparents (Jim, Joe, Jackie, Bob) Aunts & Uncles– I know that you will
leap so fast when we tell you we need you. We feel your closeness.
To my OM
Collective girls - for your behind the scenes, gentle support.
Jeni Shomeate +
fam – for babysitting Lucy every Tues during dialysis and those damn brownies.
Heather (our
nanny) – who has spent more time taking care of Harry and I lately than our
children
Amanda and Kellie
– (speechless) enough said.
To all my other
girls (yes, you) for the steady texts, phone calls, and reminders that you are
right by side. I love you more.
And last but not
least…. to all of the courageous, brave friends of Jack here and on Facebook
who have been touched by his story and were willing to make a phone call to
save a life or share his story.
With a love like
this, how could I not have faith.
