Doubt trains faith

I admit…. I lost faith. I have always considered myself to be unshakeable in this virtue.  I have always trusted in the flow of life, the subtle ways that grace reminds me that I am deeply supported no matter how uncertain or difficult life presents itself.

Hearing that Harry could no longer donate (after thinking that was a slam dunk all these years), hearing that we needed to begin dialysis after the docs were diligently trying to avoid this scenario, and watching my son lose ground everyday – I was slowing melting inside. I was filled with doubt. I was now beginning to explore every possible scenario, every dark corner in my mind (including the worst case) and it was exhausting me. 

In effort to get my feet plugged back into the ground, I followed through with my plans to go to Tucson for a yoga workshop between Xmas and NYE.  I have attended this 3-day intensive for many years.  It’s my time to be a student, to get clarity on the year ahead, and to be in really great company. Harry assured me that he would be fine and instilled enough confidence in me to pack my bag.  

By the time I had landed in Tucson, Harry was driving Jack to the ER. I was crushed. Doubt, guilt, sadness consumed me.  I should have stayed home.  After a chest x-ray and a meeting with his doc, Jack and Dad were advised to go back home and get better in preparation for surgery in a few days. Relieved. Somewhat.

By the time I landed on my mat, (day 2 of the workshop) I heard the words “doubt trains faith” fly out of the teachers mouth. I settled. It was one of those subtle smacks of grace where you feel like the teacher (Life) is talking directly to you.

The radical affirmation of my doubt inspired me to step up, be strong again, and come back home with a fresh set of eyes. “Re-entry” is never easy after a yoga retreat.  The real practice is always coming back home. Coming back home to surgery, dialysis, and our new life was wildly intimidating but I felt ready. Scared and anxious, but also ready.

Fast forward three weeks to today, Jan 19….

Jack is back in school, adjusting to his new dialysis routine, and healthier than he has been in months.  Dialysis pulls so much fluid (approx 3lbs!) and waste out of his body that his kidney couldn’t do on it’s own.  He still has waves of discomfort and radical fatigue but this is SO much better than what we were dealing with before dialysis. On his “off” days from dialysis, you can see the fluid return to his body and the fragile place that he lives in.

We do not yet have a match but gain confidence daily that we will find a kidney. Harry was also recently approved to participate in the Paired Exchange program (details on Jack’s FB page) which gives Jack national exposure.  We do not know how the story will unfold yet but, I am enjoying this current chapter that seems a lot less chaotic than the previous one.  There are waves of ‘normalcy’ (outside of 15 hours in the hospital every week) that wouldn’t exist without the enormous tapestry of people supporting us.

There is no way I could possible thank everyone properly for getting us through this first phase but here it goes:

Mom – for taking such good care of us the 8 days that followed surgery. (I will cry if I say anything more here)

Jennfier Manion + Carla Januska – for the creation and continued management of Jack’s FB page. You have answered every inquiry with such love.

Erin + Jeff – (Harry’s bro + wife) our local family who slept in that uncomfortable recliner overnight at the hospital and continue to take our little man to dialysis when they can.

Sarah Cooper & Margie Paller – for the creation of the meal registry. This has been such an enormous help for us. Sweets and other goodies are beginning to stalk me.

Yoga community – for your steady presence, cooking, and love. And to my sub teachers (Andrea & Shannon) who kept us all moving.

Carondelet community – for meals, driving, hugs, prayers, and more hugs. 

Heather Corndorf– your fierce strength and insanely soft heart. Thank you for dedicating a week of classes at the SLP Lifetime Fitness to Jack.

To Brian Ehlers  + the MAC group – – for spreading Jack’s story as if it was your own.

To the other grandparents (Jim, Joe, Jackie, Bob) Aunts & Uncles– I know that you will leap so fast when we tell you we need you. We feel your closeness.

To my OM Collective girls - for your behind the scenes, gentle support.

Jeni Shomeate + fam – for babysitting Lucy every Tues during dialysis and those damn brownies.

Heather (our nanny) – who has spent more time taking care of Harry and I lately than our children 

Amanda and Kellie – (speechless) enough said.

To all my other girls (yes, you) for the steady texts, phone calls, and reminders that you are right by side. I love you more.

And last but not least…. to all of the courageous, brave friends of Jack here and on Facebook who have been touched by his story and were willing to make a phone call to save a life or share his story.   

With a love like this, how could I not have faith.