Choose wisely

Recently, I chaperoned the 1^st graders during their trip to see “ The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” at the Children’s Theatre. It was a fabulous show.  The children were wide-eyed and white knuckled as we settled into the balcony level seats.  During the 75 minute spectacle, I coaxed many little ones back to their seats, led a few to the restroom for potty breaks and sips of water, and one young lady to the teacher who had a hungry tummy.  Jack held my hand the entire time. It was perfect and heart-warming in many ways.

After the show, the kids were invited to stay for a few minutes and ask questions. They were curious about the stage, the age of the performers, and what happens behind the scenes.

The stage manager said… “Actually, its’ really hectic back here. People are everywhere, things are constantly in motion. There is a humongous crew back here keeping this show on track.”

I can relate to that. So many friends tell me how our family handles all of this with such grace.  However, behind the curtain, in the framework of our home, the interior of my mind – it is hectic, frazzled, constant motion. The phone is ringing, meds are being delivered to the front door, appointments are being scheduled, weekly lab draws, emails, chocolate cakes and offerings of support and love. 

In effort to seek a moment of normalcy, I went to Target last week with Lucy. Upon leaving, I couldn’t remember where I parked. Furthermore, I had lost my beloved latte inside the store. Losing my mid afternoon small skim latte is like losing my purse. I am not proud but I confess. And yet it’s appropriate and human.  I recognize the part of me in that moment that is totally distracted, consumed with it all. In that recognition, I am reminded again to CHOOSE.  To choose which part of myself to bring forward.  Here’s a glimpse into the conversation that I had with myself once I found my car:

Me: “ok, that was funny. Now, distracted, little self—you can go away now. You are not serving anyone here.”

(the scenery broadens a little bit, my vision too)

Lucy:  “mom, what are we doing?”

Me:  …“yep, got it.  Time to keep moving forward. Go home now Ali. Choose which Self is going to lead here.  Chose your highest, most expanded self”.

And off we go. Home.

As chaotic as times are for me, maybe for you, for the world – we always get to choose…

which Self to bring forward when the curtain rises?

which Self to bring forward when the kids wake up?

which Self to bring forward when my students show up at class?

which Self to bring forward when the storm comes?

And then, HOW DO YOU HOLD THAT STANCE?

This is what I’m working on right now. All I know is that YOU (the emails, text, cards, offerings of support, prayers, your presence – you are my behind-the-scenes crew that is keeping me on track. There are truly are no words to articulate my appreciation.

A little update on Jack:

Jack’s feeding tube and dialysis catheters will be surgically placed on Wed, January 2^nd.  Dialysis will follow soon after and continue until we find a kidney.  If you haven’t already, please “LIKE” Jack’s facebook page “find a kidney for jack Certain”.  Unfortunately, Jack’s docs do believe he will need to have his current kidney removed but we have to “tune him up” with feeding and dialysis first. This next surgery will most likely  happen about  4+ weeks after beginning dialysis.  Once we have an approved donor, Jack’s transplant will most likely take place 6 weeks after his kidney is removed.  So, we are looking at March or April… possibly longer for transplant.  There are too many unknowns to have a tidy plan at this point.

With great love,

Ali